


Heart Attack in Black Hair Dye

by shinnyluvssuju



Category: Mötley Crüe
Genre: M/M, Terrorcest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-16 16:44:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21039452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinnyluvssuju/pseuds/shinnyluvssuju
Summary: We can leave this world, leave it all behindWe could steal this car if your folks dont mindWe can live forever if you've got the time[Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back by My Chemical Romance]





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I spent a long time writing this and I loved every second of it. It started off as a one shot but since it became so long I figured I should post it in two parts. I wrote this in first person which i dont usually do, so even though I edited it best I could, there may still be some mistakes. I also wrote it all on my phone, so mistakes probably happened from there as well. Your constructive criticism is always appreciated! The next and final chapter will be posted tomorrow. Find me on tumblr at riverfetus. Xoxo

1981  
Nikki has been sleeping with this girl Samantha on and off for the past few months now. He likes her because all she wants is sex. Hes not worried that one day she'll start talking about feelings. They both know what they get together for, and Nikki cant ask for much else. She does, however, talk about how cute Nikki's friend Tommy is. Like, all the time.

"He is just such a_ hunk_," she gushes, almost on the daily. Nikki finds this funny, because Tommy is completely oblivious. One day he finally tells Tommy that Samantha thinks hes hot. Tommy also finds this funny, and says, "Too bad shes not really my type." Nikki doesn't exactly know what Tommy's type is (ugly chicks?), but shrugs it off and calls him crazy.

A few days later Samantha and Nikki are drunk. She talks about Tommy being hot again, and Nikki retaliates. "So why don't you just sleep with him then?"

Samantha groans and calls him thick. She says that shes been bringing it up so much because she wanted to plant the idea of a threesome in Nikki's head without flat out asking. Nikki is surprised, to say the least. He isn't jealous; he has no emotional attachment to Samantha whatsoever. He is, however, unsure of how Tommy would react if he brought it up to him. So, Nikki shrugs and goes to Tommy's room in their apartment to ask him.

Hes on his bed reading some magazine. Nikki slinks over to him and invades his personal space. Tommy doesn't mind. "What's up?" he asks, and Nikki is already laughing before he can even get a word out.

"I know you don't think Samantha is that hot, but she just told me she wants to have a threesome with me and you. Isn't that crazy?"

"Dude, no way! I've never had a threesome before!"

"Me either. But I figure if I'm with my best friend, it wont be THAT weird. What do you say?"

Tommy shuts his magazine and is out the door faster than you can say 'kinky.'

Samantha is thrilled. Tommy asks Nikki if there's anything off limits, because you know, he doesn't want to swoop in on Nikki's girl. Nikki tells him just to have fun and not think about it so much. So does Samantha. Soon the debauchery is in full swing. They're finding it easy to stay an arms length away from each other and simply focus on the beautiful woman beneath them. That is until Samantha says, "You two should kiss."

"What?" Nikki asks. "You'd be into that?"

She nods with enthusiasm.

Nikki stares at Tommy.

Tommy stares back and shrugs.

It's really just a performance. Besides, how could they say no to the woman who just let the two of them do obscene things to her? It starts off simply. They kiss like two fifth graders who don't know yet that you're supposed to move your lips. Tommy throws in some dramatics and grabs Nikki by the hair to pull him closer. It is really getting this girl worked up. They hear her egging them on and touching herself. Nikki licks inside Tommy's mouth. Tommy bites Nikki's lip. Its sort of fun to know how much Samantha likes it. Before they can up the ante even more, she gasps out, "One of you fuck me."

Nikki lets Tommy do the honors. He is, after all, only eighteen. Nikki imagines that Tommy hasn't had the chance too often to fuck a woman in her mid twenties. Samantha sucks Nikki's dick while Tommy fucks her. Shes saying Tommy's name and Nikki cant help but feel proud of his little prodigy.

Samantha leaves once the three of them have cleaned themselves up. When the door shuts, Tommy is high fiving Nikki and thanking him over and over.

Three days go by, and it's a Tuesday night with nothing to do. Since it's almost Halloween they've got some horror movie tapes from the local video rental and are going through them one by one. On movie three, Nikki falls asleep on the couch. Tommy turns off the VCR, the television, and the lights. He nudges Nikki awake and tells him to go to bed. In a daze Nikki complies, and doesn't realize that Tommy follows him to his room until he lays down and sees Tommy sitting on his bed.

"Hey Nikki," Tommy says softly. "I um... I've been meaning to say something." Nikki sits up. Tommy has never looked so small and unsure before. "Um... do you think we could... kiss? Again?" Nikki cant see Tommy's face in the dark, but he doesn't have to to know that Tommy is scared.

Nikki cant think of an excuse not to that isn't a blatant lie. In absence of anything better, he asks, "Are you sure?" Their voices, nearly whispers, sound deafening in the empty apartment.

Tommy is young. Maybe hes confused. Maybe all it would take for this to be over would be one kiss, then Tommy would pull away and say that maybe it's not what he wanted after all, and then they could forget about it. Nikki understands. He feels confused sometimes, too. Hes never felt comfortable enough to act on it, though. Tommy, he thinks, is much braver than he is.

Tommy tells Nikki that hes sure. They sit there frozen for a moment, unsure of how to begin. They take turns inching closer to one another. Closer and closer, so slowly its agonizing, until the tips of their noses can touch. The gap gets smaller and smaller until somehow they've managed to bring their lips together.

It's like they're kissing for the first time, which is sort of true. A few days ago, their goal wasn't to kiss each other, it was just to turn some girl on. Now that the focus was on one another, it was a completely different feeling. Nikki was so nervous. He didn't want to seem too eager. That way, if Tommy pulled away, Nikki wouldn't look like a fool. Tommy is tentative, very soft and innocent, miles away from their first time. Nikki is following his lead. He cant quite remember the last time he'd kissed someone like this. Maybe it was high school. He also cant remember the last time a kiss made him feel this... exhilarated.

Tommy's hand travels to the back of his neck and it gives Nikki goosebumps, because that must be a sign that Tommy doesn't plan on stopping in regret. The kiss is deepening, a little more tongue, a little more languid. Nikki considers jumping ship; this is getting a little more serious than what he signed up for. He cant bring himself to, though. With hesitant hands he pulls Tommy closer. He has never touched Tommy like this before. He has never touched Tommy's face, or tangled his fingers in his hair, or touched the place where his shoulder meets his neck, but that's exactly what he starts to do. Its exploratory and exciting, but the more he enjoys it, the more scared he begins to feel.

Tommy's heart is racing (Nikki feels his pulse). He pulls on Nikki's shirt, the fabric in his fist. God, Nikki's starting to feel a little hot and heavy, and he knows this will most likely end with him running off to go jack it in the bathroom. Its weird that he has a boner in front of Tommy. It's even weirder that Tommy has one too. Nikki pauses for a minute, catching his breath. "Tommy," is all he can say, looking into his best friends eyes. It's both a question and a statement.

"Tell me if you want me to stop," Tommy says. When Nikki says nothing, he pulls him into a kiss again but this time, their bodies are against each others. Tommy's hands are on his hips, fingers tracing Nikki's exposed skin where his shirt is riding up. Then Tommy's hand goes downward.

Nikki gasps a little. He didn't know it was gonna go THIS far. Hes never done this before. Hes never had a guy touch him like this. Hes never really wanted a guy to touch him like this, until now. Maybe he wouldn't have to blow a load in the bathroom after all. Still, hes gotta make sure that this is what Tommy wants. "Are you sure you want to do this?" Its hard to get out words while so breathless.

"Are you?"

"I... yeah."

"Do you trust me?"

Nikki has never told someone hes trusted them. Ever. Because no one has given him a reason to. "...yeah."

Belts get taken off. Buttons come undone. Then they're touching each other, frantic but careful. Nikki is thankful that they spend most of this time kissing, because he knows he would be too shy to look Tommy in the eyes right now. Hes also glad because he wants to moan, and instead of making themselves known, they simply die on Tommy's lips.

It doesn't last very long. They both finish embarrassingly fast, and when they do, the post orgasm clarity begins to set in. The reality of what they just did hits them hard. Nikki wishes he could hide and never have to explain himself to his best friend whose hand he just came on. He feels awful, and a little bit disgusting. Without saying a word he gets up and leaves, going to the bathroom and locking the door. It feels like he cant breathe. Nikki stands there in a panic for a very long time. Eventually he decides to shower.

When he gets out, Tommy isn't in his room anymore. He gets dressed and starts to accept that he must own up to what hes just done. His heart is pounding in his ears as he opens Tommy's bedroom door.

Tommy is laying in bed, but hes still awake. He lazily rolls over to look at Nikki. Tommy seems surprised.

"Did we just ruin everything?" Nikki asks.

Tommy shakes his head. "No, Nik. Everything's okay."

Those two words play on repeat in his mind the rest of the night. Nikki is having a hard time quieting his mind which isn't unusual, but now it's for different reasons. He chants the words to himself like an affirmation.

Everything's okay.

1984  
Its January when they arrive in New York on their tour with Ozzy. They're not really in NEW YORK, since they're only in Buffalo, but Manhattan is their next stop. Upstate New York sort of reminds Nikki of living with his grandma in Idaho. There are small towns, small business, and a lot of people with small minds.

Regardless, the show is amazing. Ozzy has more booze and blow backstage than they know what to do with. Their energy is off the charts when they hit the stage, and the entire crowd was eating it up. Nikki is pleased that all their rehearsing was worth it, because musically, they're tight. He lives for the nights when they run like a well oiled machine. They surely proved to everyone that they deserve to be on this tour.

The show ends late, but they're still amped up. Vince is hanging out with some groupies, Mick is god knows where, so Tommy and Nikki decide to explore the city a little bit. There isn't a whole lot to see, really. Almost everything is closed, which is a culture shock for two boys from LA. There are a few people walking down the sidewalks here and there, but for the most part they walk silent in the night.

"Nikki!" Tommy exclaims, hitting him on the shoulder repeatedly. Hes pointing up at the sky. "Nikki, I think its snowing!"

Sure enough, Tommy is right. Small little flakes are gliding gently down to earth. Nikki has never seen snow before, and neither has Tommy. They're looking up in wonder like six year old kids hoping for a snow day. Tommy sticks out his tongue and tries to catch flakes.

They keep walking, and god, Nikki feels like he's in a movie. It's just the two of them, walking down an empty street, the snow painting the city with beauty and flakes sticking to their hair. It was beautiful. Nikki actually felt at peace, genuinely content. That didn't happen often. He reaches out and holds Tommy's cold hand. Tommy looks at him and smiles.

After a short walk they find a bar that looks pretty nice. It seems homey and small. It doesn't look too crowded either, which is perfect. Nikki is hoping not to run into too many fans, because he really just wants to blow off some steam and not be under any pressure. When they walk in only a few people seem to recognize them. It's mostly an older crowd, people in their forties and fifties, and they don't seem to give a damn. Nikki and Tommy order drinks from the weathered looking bartender, tip her well, and go sit down at a table.

"Thank god we changed out of our stage clothes and took off the makeup," Nikki said. "My guess is that wouldn't bide well with this place."

"No kidding," Tommy said. "Its like they're ten years behind out here. But the snow, Nik, the snow! How amazing was that?"

"Beautiful. Just like the movies," Nikki said. "Maybe when Motley gets bigger I'll buy a house somewhere where it snows. Not Buffalo, though. Anywhere but Buffalo." Tommy laughs.

There's a pool table in the corner that no one's using, so the two decide to check it out. It costs a quarter to play. Tommy digs one out of his pocket and pops it in. They start to play, and soon it's clear who has more skill with billiards.

"How the hell are you so good?" Tommy asks in disbelief after Nikki sinks three in a row.

Nikki just chuckles and shrugs. "I used to play a lot."

"When?" Tommy takes a shot, and fails to sink the ball he aimed for. He sighs and drinks his beer.

"Jeez, when I was like, a young teenager." He sinks another with ease. "I used to go to pool halls and bars and shit and place bets with drunk old guys. Little did they know I could really play and they would lose ten bucks every time." Nikki aims for the eight ball, but misses.

Tommy likes when Nikki talks about his childhood. Not the bad parts, of course, but the good parts. The little things that made Nikki who he is. He likes to imagine a younger Nikki, happy and innocent and naive. Tommy wishes he met Nikki earlier in life. He imagines a world in which they grew up together; going to school together, the arcade, riding bikes around the neighborhood, playing silly games. Maybe Tommy could've helped him. Maybe Tommy could've protected him.

After Nikki beats Tommy twice at pool, they go to the bar and order shots of Jameson. Nikki glances at the bartenders name tag and says, "Thank you Deborah," when she hands the shots to them.

"Are you flirting with me?" she asks. "Wouldn't recommend it. My husband's got a solid right hook." Tommy finds this hilarious.

"I would never!" Nikki retorts with mock offence. "He is one lucky man."

"You two look strange," she says. "Where are you from?"

"Los Angeles," says Tommy.

"Ah, that explains it." She looks at Tommy. "You'd be so much more handsome if you got a haircut."

They cannot contain their laughter. "What about me?" Nikki asks.

"You? Not really my type." Tommy REALLY finds that hilarious.

After an hour of shooting the shit with Deborah and downing liquor, they decide to split. They're tired, and the long day is catching up to them. They walk out the door, and it feels even colder than earlier. It is also not as cinematic as it was earlier, because it is not beautifully silent anymore. In the alley next to the bar, there's a brawl happening. About five or six voices are drunkenly yelling out insults, and Nikki decides to take a peak down the alley to see what's going on.

It's certainly not a fair fight. There's a bunch of guys all against one, who seems to be getting his ass kicked but keeps trying to fight back. He gets a few punches in, but soon hes on the ground. The other guys start kicking him. Nikki begins to wonder what the hell this guy did to deserve this. In about two seconds though, Nikki gets his answer.

The phrase "never talk to us again, faggot" leaves someone's mouth, and Nikki stops looking. He tells Tommy that they should go, and they walk back to the hotel, this time with tension in the air, not peace. This place really is like Idaho, Nikki thinks to himself.

The event simply confirms what he already knows to be true -- his feelings, his thoughts, will have to remain hidden forever. He cant risk his career, his friends, and his life. He cant risk Tommy's career and life, especially. What hes got with Tommy will always have to be secret.

It's just better that way.

1987  
Nikki will admit things have gotten a little out of hand. But so what? Hes still writing songs. He can still play. Hes being a good little workhorse for Elektra, and isn't that what they want? Why do they give a fuck about his personal life?

The house he bought in Van Nuys really makes him feel as though hes made it. Its everything he could ever want, it's the Gothic palace of his dreams. There's stained glass windows, gargoyles on the porch, vintage furniture... it's a sanctuary.

That is, until Vanity makes herself right at home.

Nikki has been dating Vanity for some time now. It wasn't his choice to make things official. Vanity put that label on the relationship and Nikki just didn't argue. Arguing with Vanity is pointless. It never gets anywhere. He is always wrong, and she is always right. He deals with it because the sex is great, shes always down for drugs, and they make a nice looking couple in the tabloids. He thinks he almost fell for her at some point, but it was short lived.

The guys HATE Vanity. They don't even pretend to like her. Vince says shes a "psycho bitch" and that he wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. Mick says, "That girl is so cracked out, she makes Rick James look like a boy scout." Nikki doesn't care what they have to say. No one has anything nice to say about his girlfriend, and hes gotten used to it. He doesn't care what anyone thinks. Anyone except for Tommy.

Hes at Tommy's house, a brand new place with lots of windows and white floors. Tommy's girlfriend Heather definitely added her own personal touches with decorative throw pillows and fancy light fixtures. It looks straight out of a home decorating magazine. It's not exactly what Nikki would imagine Tommy choosing.

Heather isn't around, so they're watching television in the living room and cutting lines on the coffee table. There's this new pill going around called a Halcyon that's great when mixed with coke. The guys all affectionately refer to it as zombie dust, because it isn't exactly a speedball. And, since it isn't heroin, no one really cares if Nikki uses it. Naturally, he uses the hell out of it. He snorts a line, wipes his nose, and lays back against the couch.

"Hows Vanity?" Tommy suddenly asks.

"Um... fine."

"Is she like... doing a lot of smack with you lately?"

"Well, yeah."

Tommy clears his throat. "Well um... I'm kinda worried. About you."

Nikki tilts his head to the side. "What makes you say that?"

Tommy leans down and snorts a line. He coughs for a second. "You do a lot. And maybe it's not a good idea to be with somebody who does even more than you do. You could get hurt."

"Aw come on T-Bone, I'm not gonna get hurt," Nikki says, hitting Tommy lightly on the arm. "You don't have to worry about me, I've got it under control."

"What about last weekend?"

"What about it?"

Tommy sighs and looks at something else. "When you uh, crashed here. You got really high and drunk and passed out on the couch. I couldn't wake you up. I shook you and hit you but you wouldn't wake up. I was so scared, man. When you woke up in the morning I was so relieved."

Nikki has no idea what to say. He doesn't remember any of that. Nikki just sits there silently.

"You know you can come to me with anything, right?" Tommy asks. "You can tell me anything."

"I'm fine, Tommy. There's nothing wrong." He tries to end the conversation by staring at the TV and pretending that what they're watching is interesting. Tommy gets the message.

Nikki has never been very good at saying sorry. In lieu of an apology, he lays against Tommy and wraps his arms around him. They stay there like that for a while, making fun of the reality television that's on and chatting. Nikki notices that Tommy is holding him tighter than usual.

When Nikki speaks at his watch and says hes gonna get going, Tommy stops him at the door. "Hey Nikki?" he asks shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I... I wanted to ask you something."

"Anything."

"Heather and I... are getting married."

This isn't happening, Nikki thinks.

"And I wanted to ask you... to be my best man."

This is absolutely just a bad dream, Nikki thinks. In a few seconds he will wake up, still in Tommy's arms, and laugh. He blinks a few times, and hes still awake. He digs his nails into his palms, and he feels it. This cant be real. When will he wake up?

"Nikki?" Tommy asks. His tone reveals that he must know exactly what Nikki is thinking.

Nikki swallows. He cant just say nothing and run away. "Sure I will," Nikki pushes out. "I'll uh, talk to you later man." He walks away before Tommy can say goodbye.

It becomes the perfect reason to spiral further and further down. Nikki tells himself that anyone in his position would do the same thing. He adds it to the list of reasons to be angry at himself and his life; a deadbeat of a father, abusive step-dads, a horrible mother, his depression, and now a broken heart. Tommy will become another person that leaves Nikki behind and forgets about him just like everyone else. He feels like a complete fool for believing Tommy would be any different.

How can it be any different? It was always destined to end up like this. Nikki never expects Tommy to give up anything for him, because he would never do the same for Tommy. He couldn't. If there are even suspicions towards the feelings the two have for each other, their careers are finished. Not just theirs, but Vince and Mick's, too. They're on top of the world right now. Everyone loves them. Nikki cant throw his dreams in the can for emotional selfishness. Hes a somebody now for the first time in his life. He can't go back to being a nobody again. It might actually kill him.

Tommy calls him five times. Nikki ignores them all. Hes busy with Vanity, who let's Nikki do whatever he wants to her. Vanity says she loves Nikki over and over again. He doesn't say it back, he just asks her to keep saying it.

Nikki has to go to a stupid suit fitting with the guys for the wedding. The night before he gets so fucked up that he oversleeps and wakes up to Vanity shaking him and saying, "Vince and Mick are here! Hey! They're mad, you need to get ready!"

"Finally!" Vince exclaims as Nikki gets in the car. "Tommy's gonna be pissed. We're an hour late."

Nikki doesn't say anything. He just rubs the sleep from his eyes.

They arrive at the place and Tommy has his arms crossed and an impatient expression. "Where the hell have you guys been?" he asks.

"Nikki overslept," Mick says, throwing Nikki right under the bus.

Tommy huffs and under his breath mumbles, "Some best man you are." Nikki wants to explode.

The ordeal takes far too long, but its finally over and Nikki is far too sober. He goes to the bar and drinks until walking isn't so easy. He wants a cigarette, so he slips out the back door and sits against the brick wall.

"I'm sorry, are you okay?" someone asks. He looks right of him to see a beautiful young woman with long braids also sitting against the wall. "I don't mean to be in your business," she explains. "But you look very upset."

This woman looks so... nice. Something about her looks very safe and comforting. Maybe it's her soft voice or her big eyes. Regardless, Nikki doesn't tell her to fuck off. Maybe he does need to talk this out with someone.

"I... it's kind of complicated," Nikki admits. "Someone I love... is getting married soon."

"Oof," she says with a frown. "That's really rough."

"It gets worse," Nikki adds. "I'm also the best man."

"No!" The woman shakes her head. "Talk about insult to injury. Have you told her you love her? That she shouldnt marry this other guy?"

"No..."

"Why not?" she asks.

"Because maybe if she gets married she can be happy. I don't think I could make her that happy." He feels a tear running down his cheek he doesn't even realize hes shed. "Fuck," he laughs, embarrassed. "This is so stupid."

"Why couldn't you make her happy? You obviously love her. You wouldn't be this upset if you didn't." She reaches into her purse and pulls out a tissue, handing it to Nikki. He takes it gratefully. She is so nice.

"I'm not a great person," Nikki admits. "I basically ruin everything I touch."

"Don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself?" she asks.

"If only you knew me," Nikki says.

She rubs Nikki's shoulder gently. "I don't have to," she says. "Everyone deserves love. And I can tell just by looking at you that you have a big heart. You're passionate." She gives him another tissue and continues to comfort him like a mother. "Maybe you should tell her how you feel. Even if she still gets married, at least you got it off your chest."

Nikki sniffles. "Maybe."

"What's she like?" she asks with a smile.

He lets out a chuckle. "Oh, man... funny. The funniest person I've ever met. I never laugh harder than when I'm with her. People don't know it but shes smart too. In her own way. She looks at things differently." He stares up at the stars in the night sky. "And really nice. She almost never gets mad. She always sees the best in people. She's romantic. Thoughtful. So, _so_ talented. She could take over the world." Nikki looks at the woman. "And so beautiful. So perfect. Shes not perfect but shes perfect to me."

"She would be lucky to have someone like you who notices all those things," she says as Nikki's tears fall. She holds his hand. "Don't give up. You are a good soul. And very handsome." They both chuckle.

"What's your name?" Nikki asks.

"Savannah."

"You're a really nice person, Savannah."

"I try my best," she smiles. She glances at her watch. "I've got to get going. But before I do, promise me you'll tell her how you feel. Promise me you'll try."

"I promise," Nikki says softly.

Savannah winks at him and walks away. Her heels clack against the pavement as she goes. Nikki wonders if shes just a random nice person, or if shes an angel meant to give him a message. He likes to think it's the latter.

The day of the wedding has arrived. They're all at this fancy venue getting their ties on straight and their hair presentable for photos. Nikki goes to the bathroom to shoot up.

He looks at himself in the mirror, replaying his promise to the bar room angel in his head. "Promise me you'll try. Promise me you'll try." Nikki cant remember the last time he felt so guilty. As the needle breaks his skin he wonders why he feels so bad about breaking a promise to a stranger. I'm sorry, he thinks, wiping off the blood. I'm sorry.

It goes by in a blur and all at once. Nikki sort of floats in and out of consciousness, so he doesn't remember it all. He remembers Tommy yelling at him. Tommy says something like, "Don't do this to me on the best day of my life." Then Nikki laughs, and Vince and Mick are frozen. They've never seen the two fight like this because they never fight like this. The tension is fucking palpable.

"Best day of your life?" Nikki retorts. "You're _pathetic_."

Tommy looks about ready to jump at him like a ravenous wolf. Luckily Mick breaks it up by bringing Tommy to another room. Vince glares at Nikki.

The next thing Nikki remembers is standing with the guys and Heather for photos. He thinks it would be funny to act really happy after just having fought with Tommy. He smiles wide for the camera. Tommy does not think this is funny.

The last thing Nikki remembers is this: hes just about had it, so he calls a cab. He finds Vince and Mick, says goodbye to them, and then realizes Heather is close by refilling her drink. He stumbles over to her and she turns around looking all cute and surprised like she always fucking does. "Nikki, are you leaving?" she asks with a little pout.

"Unfortunately," Nikki answers, dripping with sarcasm. "But you look _beautiful_. Congratulations."

"Thank you for being Tommy's best man," she says, and she sounds like she really means it. "It really means the world to him."

Nikki nods and walks away. It's all he can do. He feels downright awful doing the walk of shame from the love of his life's wedding. All he can do is go home and lick his wounds. Or make some more.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I was a day late!

1991  
When Brandi gives birth to their son, it's like something clicks in Nikki. He looks into this tiny person's eyes and sees pieces of himself in them. He never thought he would ever be a dad, and here he is holding his newborn son. Things are different now, and hes not sure what exactly in him has changed, but it definitely changed.

Of course, something changes in Brandi too, but it's clear what changes in her. She attaches herself to her baby, and detaches herself from her husband. Nikki gets it. He knows that he gets old really fast. It doesn't make it hurt less, though. Especially when she walks out in anger with their son. When they leave he finds himself in a panic. He doesn't want to be absent in his son's life. He will never let himself turn into his own father. So he tries to work things out with Brandi. Despite both of their best efforts, it never results in a solution. Nikki spends most nights alone in hotels.

He hates it. He hates that every time he feels lonely and empty, Tommy is the first person he turns to. Its deplorable, really. No other person holds this much power over him. Rather, Nikki doesn't let anyone else have this much power over him. Its not entirely Tommy's fault. Nikki could walk away. Nikki could say no and do the healthy thing. But when has he ever done that?

It's the first time they sleep together since Tommy's wedding. It's odd because they had continued to sleep together through girlfriend after girlfriend and neither of them cared, but now that the both of them are married it feels a little more wrong somehow. It's a real punch in the gut catching a glimpse of someone's wedding ring while you're fucking them.

Maybe the worst part of it is that there's no excuse for what they're doing. Heather is a wonderful person. Brandi is a wonderful person. If they were both trapped in horrific marriages with abusive people, cheating would make a bit more sense. Instead, they were being the horrific people. Nikki does feel bad. Hes sure Tommy does as well. Obviously they don't feel bad enough to stop fucking each other, though. Man, Nikki used to hate people like who he is now.

They start drinking. Tommy really goes at it, downing shot after shot of tequila. Nikki knows his friend well enough to know that tequila plus Tommy ends up making one thing-- emotional confessions. It could honestly be anything. It wouldn't surprise Nikki if Tommy feels guilty about something as small as hitting an animal with his car all the way up to aggravated assault. The more he watches Tommy drink, the more he wonders what's on his mind.

Ever the open book, Tommy finally opens his mouth. "Hey Nik, what's it like to be a dad?"

Nikki blinks. "Um, well, it's... special. It's like you've never felt so connected to something-- someone, in your whole life. Because that someone is also... you." Nikki laughs. "Its really weird and emotional. It makes me wanna be a better person, you know?"

Tommy nods and takes another shot. "Brandi will let you see him even if you two divorce, right? Because if she doesn't, I will punch a woman. You know I will if she has it coming to her."

"Shes being good about it," Nikki muses. "Shes a good person. We just don't meld the way we're supposed to."

"Ah... Heather said she doesn't really want kids. Not for a while, at least."

"And how do you feel about that?"

Tommy sits beside Nikki and lets out a sigh. "Its okay, but I mean... you know I've always wanted a family."

Nikki does know this. Tommy has always been very familial and paternal. Hes the first to throw a ball with someone's kid they had to bring to work. He gets down on their level, looks them in the eyes, and treats them with a certain understanding and kindness that they most likely don't get from adults. It's probably because Tommy will always be a kid at heart. A kid in the best, and the worst ways. Regardless, Nikki knows without a doubt that Tommy would be a great father. Any kid would be lucky to be cared for by him.

"I'm sorry," Nikki says. "Its only been three years. Maybe she just needs more time."

"I guess. It's a real bummer."

"It is."

Tommy puts his head on Nikki's shoulder. His body is limp and drunk. "I always wonder what would happen if I ended up with you instead."

The fact that Tommy still thinks about him like that makes Nikki's heart swell. "You do?"

"Of course I do," Tommy says. "You never forget your first love. And sometimes it never actually goes away."

First love.

Nikki slowly runs his fingers through Tommy's hair who closes his eyes and makes a sound of contentment. "You're the only one who ever really saw me, Tommy. Like, the actual me."

"I love that person," he replies.

"If you were with me though," Nikki continues. "We couldn't do all the things you want to do. We couldn't get married. We couldn't have a family. You would miss out on a lot, just for me. That's not fair to you."

"There are ways around all that," Tommy argues lazily.

"Technically, yeah, I guess there is. But it's hard. It's a hard life."

"I would do it for you."

"Tommy..."

"If you told me to leave Heather and start a life with you instead, I would do it in a second."

"You'd end up resenting me for it," Nikki says weakly.

"Why?" Tommy asks, sitting up now and looking Nikki straight in the face. "Why cant you believe me when I say I would never resent you?"

"Because everyone does," insisted Nikki. "Everyone. And I've lost a lot of people. But losing you would... would..."

Tommy holds Nikki's face in his hands gently. "I love you," he proclaims, as if it is the reason, the end of all things. "I have loved you since I'm seventeen, you fucker. I married Heather because I thought you didn't feel the same way, and I couldn't wait around for you. It hurt too much. But I always knew, my fuckin' heart always knew... say the word and I'm yours."

"How could that work?" Nikki nearly whispers. "You know you're all I want. But how the fuck could it actually happen. Do you know what people would say about us? About the band?"

"Why would anyone have to know?"

"They would find out. The press. They find everything out."

"You only care about what everyone else thinks," Tommy says. He turns away from Nikki. "So what if people start rumors? They start rumors every day about us! Who cares?"

"I do, this is my life!" Nikki stresses.

Tommy shakes his head. "If you don't love me, just say so. Don't make up excuses."

"What do I have to do to prove to you I feel the same way?" Nikki asks desperately. "I'm not making up excuses. I'm being realistic. I've got all of our best interests in mind."

"You're so 'realistic,' Nikki. That's why you're miserable. You never let yourself be happy."

"Tell me how to prove it to you, Tommy."

"Risk something for once!" Tommy exclaims. "Act like Nikki the fucking person, not Nikki the fucking rock star all the time!"

Nikki gets close to Tommy. "Risk something? Every time I hold your fucking hand is a risk. Every time I get too close to you in public is a risk. Every time we kiss or hug or fuck is a risk. If you weren't worth it to me, I wouldn't take all those risks. Why isn't that enough for you?"

Tommy is silent. Tommy doesn't like this reasoning, but he understands it. He feels very helpless. The world is holding him back, and he cant change any of it. He has everything a man could ever want, yet hes hung up on the one thing he cant have.

Nikki gently strokes Tommy's cheek. Nikki is tired. He doesn't want to argue. Especially not with his best friend. He wants to pretend that in this moment, they are the only two people on earth. Nothing they do has any consequences, just for now. It's nice to pretend.

Tommy has been the only constant in his life for ten years. Nikki knows Tommy's body almost as well as he knows his own. He cant imagine life without this. Tommy is once in a lifetime. Sometimes good things are worth the pain.

1998  
What a fucking shit show things are.

Instead of giving Tommy the good old fashioned "I told you so" after Pam totally turns on him (like Nikki told Tommy she would), Nikki decides to just be there for him. Tommy doesn't need to be reminded that Nikki was right. He absolutely already knows that. So he visits Tommy almost every day while hes in jail. When he cant show up in person, he calls. Tommy is going crazy. He's starting to rely on Nikki for some semblance of sanity, and how the times have changed when Nikki Sixx is needed for his stability.

Things really have changed. Now married to Donna and being the father to more children, hes really adapted well to being a family man, at least he thinks so. Hes actually starting to feel like a good dad. Seeing his children smile and hug him is so validating. He really didn't turn out like his father.

And Donna, wow. Shes so incredibly bright and creative. Donna teaches Nikki how to paint, and it becomes their favorite hobby to do together. Being married doesn't feel like some job to do, like it used to be. It's actually really nice. Nikki is amazed that he can actually feel things again for someone that isn't Tommy. As bittersweet as it is, its also... liberating. On one hand, a huge portion of his life is over-- early adulthood has come and gone. Hes almost forty now. How did he even make it this far? He honestly cant tell you. When he looks in the mirror, it takes him a second to recognize the person staring back. On the other hand, it's a new beginning. He fucked up a lot of good things in his life. Now is his chance to make up for it.

As much as hes grateful for his life and looking towards the future, Nikki cant help but still dwell on the past sometimes. Hes only human. Sometimes the nostalgia is so heavy it weighs him down. He sits on the couch in the middle of the night by himself pondering the what ifs and the could haves. He starts to cry, but when he hears the pitter patter of his little daughters feet against the floor and her high pitched voice ask, "Daddy, why aren't you sleeping?" he's brought back to the beautiful reality of things. If he hadn't made all those past choices, he wouldn't be holding a perfect little child in his arms. If he had stayed chained to Tommy and his old life, Nikki would have missed out on all of this. Now he wouldn't trade his life for the world.

He visits Tommy the next morning. He gets checked in and searched, ignoring the catcalls from inmates and someone yelling, "The rock star's girlfriend is here!" Nikki hears this just about once a week. Hes glad that despite his age hes still pretty. When he gets to the booth where he can speak to Tommy, his friend is looking slightly manic.

Tommy talks about the books hes been reading. He says hes begun to give nicknames to the cockroaches that roam his cell. He tells Nikki he has so many ideas, and that once hes out he'll be able to show him all the new music that's been formulating in his head over the last few months. He really doesn't stop talking. Nikki just nods and listens. Tommy is confident that when he gets out, he will be able to make things right with his sons and even Pam, so they can at the very least be a civil family.

Visiting hours end, and Nikki returns home mentally exhausted. Donna senses his stress and starts to rub his shoulders. "Do you think-- oh, never mind," she says.

"What is it?" Nikki asks.

"Do you think... that Tommy told you the truth? I mean, do you think... do you think Pam is the bad guy, or him?"

"I really have no idea," Nikki answers. "We all know Pam, shes no angel. But I know Tommy. I'd like to think he would never do all those things she accused him of."

"Me too," Donna says. "I hope you're right."

In May, Tommy is released early while Nikki and Donna are on vacation. Nikki has no idea that Tommy is now a free man. He doesn't get a phone call, a letter, anything. How does Nikki find out? From one of their mutual friends, telling Nikki that they saw Tommy out and about town. It's a slap in the face Nikki is not expecting. He visits this man nearly every day, fuck, even organizes a letter writing campaign in an attempt to get Tommy an early release, and he doesn't even have the decency to tell Nikki, supposedly someone he loves, that hes finally out of jail? Fuck all that. He learns something that day. He learns that maybe love doesn't mean shit unless you fucking act like you're in love.

He doesn't bring any of this up to Tommy when he sees him. He wants Tommy to sit there, tortured, wondering what Nikki is thinking. Nikki acts professional and normal at rehearsal for the next tour. Hes purposely nice to everyone except for Tommy.

"I think the drum parts off, maybe try it again," Nikki says.

"You should probably practice more."

"Can you come up with a better part?"

When rehearsal ends, Tommy leaves without a word to anyone.

2008  
It happens gradually. Tommy doesn't rule his thoughts anymore. Nikki is able to feel happiness and joy and contentment without wishing Tommy is there to share it with him. He doesn't feel the sting of betrayal whenever he sees Tommy with another girlfriend. Hes not angry when Tommy forgets to call him back.

The nostalgia is beginning to weigh less. The loyalty Nikki felt he owed Tommy that had held him down for so, so long, was finally letting him escape. Getting sober makes this possible. Going to therapy makes this possible. The idea that he doesn't have to remain tied to Tommy when it obviously never went both ways really starts to make sense. For a while, this realization breeds resentment. Hes angry that he let someone have this much control over so much of his life. He works on accepting it, though, and forgiving himself. It's not as hard as he imagined it would be.

Nikki is taking the role of Father to heart. He realizes he has to be healthy, not just physically but mentally as well, to be someone his kids can look up to. They're getting older, smarter, and more observant. They notice almost everything he does now. He cant be tied to the past anymore. It's doing nothing for his future.

He still sees Tommy and still knows what goes on in his life. It would be impossible not to. Tommy is still his best friend. A failed romantic relationship will never erase the fact that they know each other inside and out. It will also never erase the fact that they created an empire together; through all Nikki's victories, Tommy was there by his side. They created something together that will obviously outlive the both of them. Nikki will always admire Tommy for the part he played in that. They will always be a part of each others lives in some sort of way. Nikki is okay with this.

Tommy hasn't changed much. This is comforting in a lot of ways. On the flip side, it confirms that it wouldn't have been a good idea to remain devoted to Tommy. Nikki now has quite a few years of sobriety under his belt. Tommy on the other hand continues to drink and party like hes still twenty years old. Nikki knows himself pretty well by now, and knows that if he was still as close with Tommy as he used to be, his attempt at sobriety would not have lasted long. He doesn't shame Tommy for his lifestyle. Nikki just knows that it's not the right way for himself to live.

It's pretty late at night, and he gets a call from Tommy asking him if he can stop by. Nikki is still feeling awake, so he hops in his car and drives over. When he sees his friend, hes looking a little distraught. Nikki asks him what's going on.

Venting about feelings of frustration and loneliness turns into reminiscing about the good old days and missing how "close" he and Nikki used to be. Nikki allows Tommy to get it all out of his system, until Tommy surprisingly leans in and kisses him. Nikki is definitely shocked. Tommy hones in on the fact that Nikki isn't really kissing back and pulls away looking embarrassed. Tommy apologizes. Nikki tells him he understands, and he really does. He pulls Tommy into a long, warm hug.

The next morning Nikki wakes up to a text.

_Thanks for being my best friend._

He smiles.

_I always will be._


End file.
